There are only 6 mini Magnum in one box to take away my depressing thoughts. And that isn't enough to last me for even one week!

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I actually wanted to end my blog entry with that but I had enough of short entries. And for the five people who read this, I guess you are indeed beginning to get bored.

I'm in a pretty sian mood. The feeling of emptiness, of nothingness, of numbness. Before this begin to sound like a terribly written Lit essay, I better stop. Somehow, I don't feel anything even though I have so many thoughts running through my mind. Perhaps I should start organising, cataloging them. Try to figure out a way out of this mess, of this tangled web of emotions. Of trying to make sense of something I was never able to comprehend, of finding a way out of this never ending spiral. Of, well you know, RAMBLING like an idiot, making no sense what so ever.

Just the other day, I was working on my School Graduating Certificate. You know the one where you shamelessly praise yourself even though there is no substance in what you say, where you glorify your insignificant deed into one of OH! SUCH! IMPORTANCE! Like how as a class rep, I was "able to bring the class together to decide on (said event)". Or how as a vice-president of Visual Arts, I was "successfully able to lead the club into doing (said event) because I was (insert positive quality)". Although some truth do exist in those statements, they are of in daljit's words "no value". I look back on my years in AJ and though my cca achievements may look pretty impressive on the surface, they feel pretty insignificant in reality. I never made any momentous impact on anybody or any event, I was never able to be successful in any aspect. There's just simply a failure lurking(oh! vocab in the rj paper2) in me. The one who holds empty titles, who is incapable of achieving success, of doing anything.

Sometimes I stand beyond the yellow line when the train approaches the station. That rush of air, the screeching noise of the train as it nears to a stop, the thought of i'm-going-to-fall-and-die, gosh, its just exhilarating. I realised I've been making some suicidal comments but I'm NOT suicidal. Suicide is a plain selfish act. Can you imagine the trauma you bring to the driver who knocked you down? The trauma of those people on the train? More importantly, the grieve of your family, your friends? Suicide is stupid.

His royal highness has ordered some stuff over Amazon and it was delivered last week. Among the items was a Josh Joplin Group album called Useful Music. It's a relatively unknown band and album. But gosh, the album is fantastic. It's the kind of album that makes you feel complete, the kind where you want to laugh and cry and hug the ones you love. Every single song is crafted in such a careful manner with meaningful lyrics. I love that album! Been spinning it the whole week(:

Ok, I feel slightly better now. I really have to start studying because I don't know a single soul (perhaps a wrong choice of word during this period) who hasn't. Nobody believes that I haven't started to study but well, truth is I haven't. I need to be focused! FOCUS! FOCUS! FOCUS! Lol, I hope by saying this on my blog, it may just actually work.