warning: this is going to be a depressing post. dont come saying that my blog is boring/depressing etc k? i'm a boring/depressing person anyway.

Where did it go wrong? I guess everything. Nothing seems to work out anyways. I seem to be living in a constant state of indifference. It's ironic that each day is filled with so much activity, but I just can't seem to find interest in anything. I'm sick of tired of the environment I'm in. I don't see the point in going to school. My mom told me that I can quit school if I come up with a concrete plan on what I'm going to do in the future. Well, I don't think the plan of being a professional stoner will be of much appeal to her unfortunately. School doesnt seem to be making me a 'thinking young adult'. Sure, I think alot. I can just sit there and stone for hours, while thoughts run through my mind. I find it a real pity and rather pathetic that the only encouragement I can give myself now is "it's less than a year until you are out of this shit hole" I cant wait for the day when I can walk out of the school gates, knowing that I will never have to come back again.

But actually, school isnt that bad lar. Wait, who am i kidding?!

Sometimes I just run away from all this mess. Just keep on running on this never ending road to nowhere. When I get really frustrated, the idea of putting an end to this comes to mind so easily. It's really easy to just jump out of the window. I live on the tenth floor and there isnt a single window grill in my whole house. And I constantly dream about flying. So why not? But suicide is a really cowardly way to a solution - no matter how easy it sounds. And it's an extremely messy affair. Can you imagine those poor cleaners that have to clean up after they found my body at the ground level? All the intestines, all the brain tissues, all the internal organs will be splattered across the carpark downstairs. What a mess. I've always disapproved of suicide, its not only just my religion, its just the whole idea itself. But ironically, I have to admit that the only reason why I enjoy jaywalking is, besides the thrill, I always hold on to this ray of hope that some vehicle will appear out of nowhere and knocked me senseless and throw me 5 metres across the road, I hit the ground, head first with a loud thud. However, it's really an irresponsible way of dying for the driver itself. Well, jumping out of the window still seems like the perfect choice.

Oh come on. Since when can there be a perfect way to end your life?! =/

When I see crowds of people, I imagine each one of them having this box around them. The box reflects their indifference and their 'heck care' attitude. The box is able to reflect and bounce back all sorts of negative thoughts and vibes. The box acts as a protective layer. (WTF, the idea of Eastern Europe as satellite states acting as a buffer zone for the USSR comes to mind) The box gives a hostile impression. However, my box seems to be made up of the weakest material. It is constantly disintegrating and allowing all sorts of rubbish to come through. Sometimes, I think I get influenced too easily. Sometimes, I think I don't have a strong opinion about anything and I just go with the flow. Sometimes, I allow all the negativeness to affect me so much. Which results in my being very miserable and frustrated.

I'm going to attempt to rebuild my box. I need to put a stop to all this craziness.

I need to go sleep. Well, after cutting newspaper articles - of which I see no point in. If I have another night of sleeping for just three hours, I'm going to get even more cranky. And no amounts of coffee will be able to rectify the crankiness.

05 February 2006